If you’ve been functioning at all in the past twenty-four days, you’ll surely have noticed that we haven’t exactly been getting the best weather. In fact, it’s been absolutely shit to the point where talking about the weather is no longer something you do exclusively with former high school sort-of acquaintances or the clerk at CVS. Now it’s the headline to any conversation, and I’m afraid that I may be in the process of being brainwashed by Nickelback, because, like their entire repoitoire of songs, all of my conversations are sounding the same: “Well…this is pretty shitty weather. I didn’t realize it was April.”
Yeah, it’s been a dark, cold and wet month. In fact, in the entire month of June, there hasn’t been a single day of unclouded sunshine, and the temperatures have been consistently 5 to 10 degrees lower than the average. Whereas the average high for Philadelphia in June is 82 degrees Fahrenheit (Source), 2009’s seen an average high of 76 (Source). But without the sun peeking through the clouds (it does so rarely that you’d think it was locked away somewhere, probably naked and too busy making sweet sweet love to its lunar mistress to come out and shine down on earth), it feels even colder, and really, that’s no fun. I mean, doesn’t it realize that I’ve been on summer vacation for five weeks now, and that I’m looking to get at least some semblance of a tan…and maybe more than 1 nice hour outside a week?
Let’s not forget about the rain. It’s wetter than…I’d be profane or obscene, but I realize that we’re now in the age of mothers being totes hooked into Facebook…y’know. So far, the Philadelphia area has been blessed with 5.03 inches of rainfall (Source). That means that in the 23 days of June that have passed this year, we’ve already exceeded the average June rainfall in Philadelphia, which is 3.24. Once these next three days rock us with thunderstorms and clouds and lightening, we’ll probably have more than doubled the average.
Thus, gentleman and ladies, I must profess that there is an inconvenient truth in these times, and we must confront it with brave faces. No, God is not angry at the United States for legalizing same-sex marriage in five states, and no, this weather is not here (exclusively) to reflect the country’s mourning over the heartbreaking, tragic, more-worthy-of-publicity-than-the-whole-Iran-crisis-thing divorce of Jon & Kate and screams of “WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO THE PLUS EIGHT?!”
It’s certainly not global warming. Because the Republicans told me that that’s a crock of shit.
No. People of the United States and beyond, we are in desperate times. The gloom, rain and extensive cloud covering can only mean one thing: The Dementors are here. And they’re not going away any time soon. Clearly, they are the root of the dampened personalities of my family and friends, the whole “this-can’t-possibly-be-summer-so-I’ll-just-mope-around-the-house-and-be-miserable” feelings that have recently paralyzed me, and, upon closer inspection, the economic recession.
So conjure up your Patronus (yes, Matt Groff, even your Platypus-shaped one) and prepare for an epic battle. Because unless someone does something soon to control these dreaded soul-suckers (the one creature that not even Britney will kiss), the rest of the summer will be a gloomy, stanky mess.
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